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Tuesday, May 30, 2017

emo rambling

Have you ever had suicidal thought? Because I'm getting it all the time now.

It's crazy how 20+ years of happy-go-lucky can turn into emo-ish shit in the matter of 2 years.

I guess my slow descent to negative-nancy started after being friends with them. The negative pessimistic shit just rubbed off on me. I thought if I cut ties I'll be okay and back to my normal self, but nope. Still a debby downer here. I wish I can get over this long-winded funk just like that. It's sucking the life out of me.

For the first time ever in my life, I have no interest in doing anything. NONE. LIKE NONE AT ALL. NOTHING. NADA. ZILCH.

Even just to write this blogpost to pour out my feelings took me days to get the willingness to. it's crazy.

Man, I need therapy. Or something. Intervention of some sort.

I really can't see the point in life now. And it's driving me crazy. I know I'm blessed abudantly, but I can't get this shitty feeling off my chest.

I can get distracted from it, but at the end of the day, it's still there.

I'm hoping there's some kind of rainbow light unicorn shit at the end of this dark, long, unnecessary emo-ish crap tunnel.

Aaaarghhh. I wanna say I feel like I hit rock-bottom, but life-sufficiency wise, it's not like I don't have food or anything like that. It's just that, life-quality wise, it's severely lacking.

Like days just went by just like that. I haven't had a meaningful day for more than A YEAR. It's just been day after day after day with nothing to really remember of anything significant. It's like for the past year or so I've just been dragging my ass and living like a zombie, just going through the motion.

Is this some sort of early midlife crisis or what? quarter-life crisis?

It's not helping that I've been getting headache these past few days. And my eyes freaking hurt if I stare at the monitor for too long.

Gosh, I feel like I can't function properly.

I'm hoping that someday I'll look back to this draft and be like "what the hell is this gibberish shit I typed back then? I'm completely happy and content and live a meaningful, full live."

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