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Wednesday, April 8, 2020

2/4/20

Here I am plotting out the possible ways of how these all could turn out with a heartache that bites just a little more than I'd expected.

I could easily pin it all on you and even put an ironic spin to it. I'd always could, but I wouldn't, because you don't deserve it, I believed. You're too good of a person, you're too nice of a guy, I thought. And maybe you were. I believe you were. But guess I ruined that. I'm sorry I made you like that. 

I thought about what I'd typed moments ago if I was to pour out all this jumbled up emotion. I could recite and narrate everything I felt smoothly in my brain. But now, writing it little by little, I lost all those train of thoughts'cause it hurts much worse writing it down. It felt more real. The white lies, the mishandled situation, the act, and the trust that has gone to dust by now.

I thought I'd never have to have trust issue when it comes to you 'cause you're such a cookie-cutter nice guy with all the care and the heart in the world. I guess it's true, you become whom you're spending your time with, and hanging out with a cynical, too-cool-to-feel, ignorant person like me has turned you like this. At least to me. I deserve it. I'm fully taking all the responsibility of you doing all these 'cause I know, I really truly know in my bone that you wouldn't, hadn't I put you through the heartache, misery, and the emotional roller coaster.

So here I am, vowing to put on my best act as if nothing had rattled me, nothing made my heart leapt out, and no stomach-turning-heart-pounding sting that I constantly felt when I "accidentally" caught you blatantly do that in front of me. If you can put on the act like you did nothing, then so can I. I just wanna see these things through. I just wanna see if I make everything goes back to normal, would you?

*

3/4/20

I tried. I really tried to put on an act that everything's fine and normal because I wished that you would too. I'd like to believe that you're not like that. That I hadn't turned you like that. I so wished that you're still you. The super nice good guy that I knew you were to be. But surprisingly, you put on a better act than I do. You put on one hell of an act. 

I tried not to let it bother me. I tried to let it slip away. But it hurts so damn much getting to know that  I probably put you on an impossible pedestal. Honestly, I feel a bit foolish believing what I believed, but also tremendous guilt and responsibility for ruining something nice.

Your birthday is coming up. One last whisper of hope to see what would you do if I do everything right. Would you go back to how it was, or would this thing crash and burn as fast as it began?

*

8/4/20

"You're just waiting for him to fuck up, aren't you?"

But I truly thought you wouldn't. I thought it was gonna be a long & futile wait. I thought when it comes down to it, I wouldn't have the heart to do that to you. And I thought you're too picture-perfect to actually do it.

Well, you just did. You fucked up.

In a spectacular way no less.

So thank you for making this so much easier on me, guilt-wise.

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