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Sunday, June 18, 2017

Midnight post

It's 1AM now and I was going to blog about this resto I went to a couple days ago, but I'm too sleepy already. But but butt, at the same time I want my latest post to be anything but the emo-ish gibberish crap one I did on my last post lol (don't want to delete it either because I treat this blog as a diary of sort and it's good to keep memory of not just the good days, but also the emo moments haha).

I initially planned to blog about the resto on the day of (oh silly little naive me), but of course that didn't happen. Next day, still didn't happen. The next day (17th), also didn't happen. So I'm gonna make a pact to myself that I'mma blog about it TODAY (18th - after I've slept lah). Anything to bury the embarassing emo-existencial-quarter-life-doubt-anything-crisis rant -___-".

Okay, filler post done.

Monday, June 5, 2017

the chase

You know what I miss?


What I've learned from this occurrence is that I've forgotten how wonderful the chase is. It gives you tingly feeling and butterfly in your stomach. 

It's been a long while since the last time I felt that hopeful, thrilling sentiment. It made me giddy. And for some unknown reason, it motivates me to be more productive.

Most importantly, It made me realize how stunted our growth had been. We just...stopped. We've stopped trying. We don't put in any effort anymore. It shouldn't be this way, right? That shit supposed to happen AT LEAST after like, maybe, 5-10 years of marriage. Not now. We're still in our early 20s for fuck sake. I guess we're just too comfortable that we unconsciously decided to stop getting better for each other, for ourselves. We don't challenge ourselves anymore.

I'm not saying full-acceptance is a bad thing, it just makes a relationship awfully dull when we don't even give a fuck to be better anymore. I need to be challenged.

It's not helping that my friends had been breaking up left and right. Their relationships are long-term too. Made me wonder. Should I allow myself a fresh start?

This episode made me realize that maybe I'm not ready to commit (not that we're gonna get engaged soon or anything, that's probably like 5 or more years down the road), that I still need some times for myself. And this is going to sound cliche and cringy as fuck, but maybe I need to discover and get to know myself?

I've been in this relationship since I was 17. I basically have been with him through my prime teenage-discovery-years. Early 20s too. Who I am today is largely influenced by the fact that I grew up from teenager to young adult with his presence in my life in a significant way. I don't know who I am just by myself as a young adult, without him. I could be better, or worse for all I know, but I at least want a chance to get to know the "me" without him as my crutch.

This is either an epiphany moment or a confirmation that I'm having a quarter-life crisis.

This is kinda ironic too, given that I wrote something about the chase that is polar opposite to this years ago in this blog. But that was a different time. We haven't given up on making an effort at that time, we were still getting better and better each day, we still gave a fuck.