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Sunday, December 13, 2020

This feels different.

You know how they say, "when you know, you know.”?

And you're always perplexed by that answer, 'cos in all honesty, it explains nothing. zilch. nada.

But I think I get it now.

This feels...stable. It's not that exciting adrenaline high that lasts for a hot minute. It's this calming, non-volatile bliss that continues on.

I thought that the adrenaline hit was the best part, but this...this feels effortless. Not the kind of excitement that hits you so high that you're bound to get knocked down seconds later. But the kind of reassuring sentiment that you know this one'll last. This feels...constant. Not high, just enough, but constant. Do you know how good it feels to constantly be in this state of bliss? Just constant calming happiness. I'll take this over any high that only lasts as fast as it comes any day. No matter how high is the rush.

It feels so good to finally be in a state where I'm not confused anymore. No second guessing, no trying to decipher everything. Just pure, reassuring happiness.

Saturday, July 25, 2020


I just watched a TED Talk, I think for the first time ever in my entire 25 years of life, and that probably says something about my state of mind right now. I just felt I need to hear a good advice like I never before.

In it, she said something along the line of "when dating, instead of focusing on whether the person likes you, focus on how they make you feel."

And in the comment section, there was this long & sweet story that someone shared and the bottom line is something like, "sometimes the person you want to marry is not the person you actually need to marry."

And seeing both statements, something clicks in my head.

You know, you were never my "perfect" marriage material. You didn't check even half the list. But it was okay.

People around me questioned my judgement, but I didn't give a damn.

It puzzled me why I wanted to be with you even when others told me otherwise. Moreover, we didn't actually have much in common or a lot of things to talk about, but I still loved you. Now I know why: it all boils down to how you made me feel.

I loved how you made feel. I was freaking addicted to it. 

I always have trust issues and it's probably rooted in my well-hidden insecurities. But when I was with you, I felt safe and secure like I don't have to worry about anything.

You made me beyond happy everyday, it was almost like a fairytale. Even until now, after everything's been said and done, when I unconsciously think of our happier moments, I think about how we used to say, "Happy?" and the other would smile, nod, and say "Happy." Straight out of romcom movies, isn't it?

It's always gonna be my fondest memory of us. You, smiling at me from ear to ear, your eyes pushed into a half-moon, with the bright stars from my night light passing your face in the dark, saying "Happy?"

I know I'm hard to deal with, but you knew how to calm me down, and I liked that. There's these million little things that you did that turned me into a puddle. Like how you listen, and actually listen, not just patronising, to every single thing that I said. You made me feel heard. I loved that. I still remember how warm and fuzzy you made me feel when I realized you still remember a single random and trivial thing I told you about the weeks before.

I loved how I used to often caught you just starring at me silently, it made my heart flutters. It was a bliss. Our first few months was a bliss like I never felt before.

In that sense, you weren't what I wanted, but you were exactly what I needed.

But I guess I didn't make you feel the same way I did, so you stopped. I'm sorry I did what I did and I said what I said.

Once you stopped, I felt all the insecurities, anger, indignation, and another truckload of negative emotions hit me all at once. It didn't feel good, so I ended it.

Now everything has become a memory. A sad memory with so many happy moments.

I'm okay with that, or at least I will be.

Back to the TED Talk, the bottom line of it was: "Your healthiest relationships will only be as healthy as your relationship with yourself."

As cheesy as that sounds, it holds true. When she said that she was always looking for someone to be with to make her feel whole, it struck me that I do too. Which is why as soon as I ended things, I was in search for a replacement. But relationship like that won' work. I need to be able to commit to myself before anyone else.

And that's what I'm gonna try to do.

"Life doesn’t give you what you asked for. Life gives you the people, places, and situations to develop what you asked for” also from the same TED Talk, and here is where it all come full circle.

Thank you for pushing me over the edge that I felt like I needed to watch a TED Talk I guess. I know it sounds sarcastic, but it's not. I'm actually thankful that I know what I know now.

Thank you for the happy moments.


With this post and yesterday's post (both about different person), I feel like I'm on some step recovery journey lol deliberating my past relationships like this. But it's good though, right? Because "a mistake is not actually a failure, unless you don't learn from it and unless you don't grow". From the same TED Talk. Full circle, see?

I think I typed "TED Talk" here more than I've ever typed "TED Talk" in my entire life.

Friday, July 24, 2020

Hey Sam,

Happy Birthday.

I don't know if you'll ever read this, but I'm too cool for school to say all this directly to you, but I also need to pen this feeling down just so I can remember it in the future in case you annoy the fuck outta me, which you often do.

The short version of what I want to say is: Thank You.

Thank you so so much.

Thank you for being my sounding board even though we've parted ways almost 2 years ago.

Wow, 2 years. 

Sounds so long ago, but feels like it was just some moons ago. That's because you managed to make all that transition easier on me, you didn't just cold-heartedly leave me and cut me off, which you know full well that that is something I'd do. So thank you for not being someone like me. For not having ill-wish to torture me emotionally even after everything I had put you through. That takes a big, loving heart.

They say platonic friendship between exes is non-existent. But we've showed them up, right?

Okay, maybe not the first year, but now, now we're in a good place. If it's not fully platonic yet, at least it's mostly platonic.

When you date your best friend, you risk of losing them when the relationship's over. For someone as closed off as me, it's hard finding a best friend that I can trust enough to pour everything out. So thank you for still being my best friend.

You've showed me that our friendship means so much to us that even after the relationship's over, that friendship is just too precious to be thrown away with it. You didn't just write off 8 years of friendship, so now we're able to count it to 9.

To hell with anyone who says being close friends with your ex is not healthy or weird.

They don't know us, they don't what we had gone through together, because you know it wasn't all rainbow and sunshine, we'd been through thick and thin together. There is so much history there that they don't know. And it's not a history we wanna repeat, but it's always gonna be there.

They don't know what we went through just so we could save the friendship part of our crumbling relationship. We had to learn to navigate through the muddy path of being friends with someone you still deeply care for, but also kinda hate at the beginning cos we were both hurt. 

But we did it. We came out the other side having only love and care for each other, no hard feelings nor resentment. True, it's not a love that a relationship can be built up upon, but that's the point right? It's a much less volatile type of love, a platonic philia love, which better suits us 'cos let's be real, we were kinda toxic and destructive towards one another when it was the other way. So who are they to say that this friendship's not healthy? How dare they? Fuck them, right? Our relationship was not healthy, I'll give 'em that.

So, instead of dwelling into all that negativity, let's toast to our friendship that we've built and the years ahead of it. Thank you for always being there for me. Thank you for being a constant in my life when even someone who's supposed to be one, isn't.

You're a year older, I hope wiser too. And I hope you nothing but the best, you freaking deserve it. I hope you'll be as happy as a person possibly could. I hope she is a much much better partner than I ever was (ok fine, I admit, I was kinda the worst. You shut up) and I hope she's everything you deserve, 'cos you deserve a great one. I hope your work will go on smoothly and everything will fall into place 'cos I know you work hard and you deserve a good life. Importantly, I hope you'll always be healthy and get to enjoy this life to the fullest.

Happy Birthday :)

P.s. In case you do read this, don't tell me. Just act like you haven't and for the love of God, don't patronise me about it or I'll hit you over the head with a 20kg Bolt cat. kthxbye.

Sunday, March 22, 2020

2020 and am still alive and well.

Woah, it’s been more than two years since the last time I blogged here and I kinda miss it. I miss posting the random thoughts and happening of the day that no one cares about. You know, like the content of old school blogging where it’s just ugly, low-resolution photos and diary-style stories.

I guess not a lot of people still does that nowadays, right? Cos that kind of content doesn’t get as much eyeballs anymore. But looking back at my old posts, I actually really cherish those kind of post the most ‘cause it’s like a memory photo book. And God knows I need it given my poor memories lately. Oh, and I also noticed that I had wider english vocabularies when I used to blog/do youtube videos. My english speaking was definitely better. Now even a simple english conversation might trip me wtf.

SO. For the sake of my declining english skill. And poor memories. I’m gonna start blogging randomly again for my own amusement. My last few posts before this had been ad/sponsored in some way, and that kinda slowly taking the fun out of blogging I guess. Not gonna pressure myself or make a target of how many post a month ‘cause based on past experience, that’s just gonna flop lol.

Can’t believe it took me THREE freaking paragraph to blog about blogging. Man, I had forgotten how much I’d ramble on and on and on when I blog nonsensical stuff like this.

Anyway, future me, if you’re reading this, this is you trying to save memories alive cause you’re so self-absorbed, you enjoy reading your own past posts about your boring daily life. You’re welcome, you self-centric you. Or me. Cheers. xo.