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Saturday, July 25, 2020


I just watched a TED Talk, I think for the first time ever in my entire 25 years of life, and that probably says something about my state of mind right now. I just felt I need to hear a good advice like I never before.

In it, she said something along the line of "when dating, instead of focusing on whether the person likes you, focus on how they make you feel."

And in the comment section, there was this long & sweet story that someone shared and the bottom line is something like, "sometimes the person you want to marry is not the person you actually need to marry."

And seeing both statements, something clicks in my head.

You know, you were never my "perfect" marriage material. You didn't check even half the list. But it was okay.

People around me questioned my judgement, but I didn't give a damn.

It puzzled me why I wanted to be with you even when others told me otherwise. Moreover, we didn't actually have much in common or a lot of things to talk about, but I still loved you. Now I know why: it all boils down to how you made me feel.

I loved how you made feel. I was freaking addicted to it. 

I always have trust issues and it's probably rooted in my well-hidden insecurities. But when I was with you, I felt safe and secure like I don't have to worry about anything.

You made me beyond happy everyday, it was almost like a fairytale. Even until now, after everything's been said and done, when I unconsciously think of our happier moments, I think about how we used to say, "Happy?" and the other would smile, nod, and say "Happy." Straight out of romcom movies, isn't it?

It's always gonna be my fondest memory of us. You, smiling at me from ear to ear, your eyes pushed into a half-moon, with the bright stars from my night light passing your face in the dark, saying "Happy?"

I know I'm hard to deal with, but you knew how to calm me down, and I liked that. There's these million little things that you did that turned me into a puddle. Like how you listen, and actually listen, not just patronising, to every single thing that I said. You made me feel heard. I loved that. I still remember how warm and fuzzy you made me feel when I realized you still remember a single random and trivial thing I told you about the weeks before.

I loved how I used to often caught you just starring at me silently, it made my heart flutters. It was a bliss. Our first few months was a bliss like I never felt before.

In that sense, you weren't what I wanted, but you were exactly what I needed.

But I guess I didn't make you feel the same way I did, so you stopped. I'm sorry I did what I did and I said what I said.

Once you stopped, I felt all the insecurities, anger, indignation, and another truckload of negative emotions hit me all at once. It didn't feel good, so I ended it.

Now everything has become a memory. A sad memory with so many happy moments.

I'm okay with that, or at least I will be.

Back to the TED Talk, the bottom line of it was: "Your healthiest relationships will only be as healthy as your relationship with yourself."

As cheesy as that sounds, it holds true. When she said that she was always looking for someone to be with to make her feel whole, it struck me that I do too. Which is why as soon as I ended things, I was in search for a replacement. But relationship like that won' work. I need to be able to commit to myself before anyone else.

And that's what I'm gonna try to do.

"Life doesn’t give you what you asked for. Life gives you the people, places, and situations to develop what you asked for” also from the same TED Talk, and here is where it all come full circle.

Thank you for pushing me over the edge that I felt like I needed to watch a TED Talk I guess. I know it sounds sarcastic, but it's not. I'm actually thankful that I know what I know now.

Thank you for the happy moments.


With this post and yesterday's post (both about different person), I feel like I'm on some step recovery journey lol deliberating my past relationships like this. But it's good though, right? Because "a mistake is not actually a failure, unless you don't learn from it and unless you don't grow". From the same TED Talk. Full circle, see?

I think I typed "TED Talk" here more than I've ever typed "TED Talk" in my entire life.

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